08.03.08
Hedging my heart
You know, “Simple economics”? Well, I’ve decided to withdraw some of my investments. Yep. Taking money out of the fund. Not to invest elsewhere and not to invest in myself (because I find that obnoxiously cliche), but to just hold and wait until I find the right fund for me. Something that suits my investor profile. Nothing too aggressive, something with a guaranteed return and tangible perks. Yep. This is me hedging myself. Hedging my heart.
“If you want me to fall for you, give me something worth tripping over..”
…and I really, really want to fall.
So basically, I haven’t spoken to X in what feels like ages. He calls sometimes during the week, but I can never talk for long. He isn’t online anymore and he doesn’t even bother to send me messages or emails. So, whatever. I’m sick of voicemails that say I am missed and that “I adore you.” It’s great and all, but I’m over it. Every day I see these couples walking, holding hands, kissing and it disgusts me. Honestly, I think disgust a defense mechanmism, because if I were not disgusted, I would probably be very sad and depressed. Instead, I just think to myself, “Hah. Look at those stupid idiots, so in love. It’s gross. It disgusts me. Love does not exist.” But at least I recogognize my issue, right?! You know, I imagine anyone who reads my rants must think I am like, completely psychotic and an Ice Queen. But in troth, I am anything but!
On the bus on the way to my Air France flight from Paris, there was this couple who essentially made out the ENTIRE ride to the plane. I turned my back to them. I mean WHO DOES THAT!??! Ugh.
Anyway. I haven’t spoken to X in two days, he finally signs onto AOL and we have a brief conversation. He says he misses me, asks how Venice was, etc, I tell him it was fun, went out, blah blah. He asks if I got laid– and I say, obviously not– but its sweet of him to be concerned– then he goes on about how I’m a beautiful girl and he hasn’t been able to talk to me and blah blah. He says “I want to be with you”. Blah blah. You know, it’s great that he seems concerned and wants to be with me but I just roll my shoulders. I don’t care anymore. What-theFUCK-ever. I want something real. I want something here. He can’t be here. He can’t hold me, he can’t kiss me, he can’t hug me, touch me, love me, laugh with me, cry with me, support me– nothing. Nada. He can’t do any of those things for me. All X can do is make me angry and jealous of other real couples. All he can do is NOT be there. And frankly, that’s not enough.
If you cannot appreciate me.
If you cannot be in touch with me.
You cannot be with me.
Period.
07.06.08
Romance makes me nauseous
Bitter. Yes, I am, what can I say. I am bitter. I am still single and hating it. Loathing it, utterly. Romance has evaded me, love seems elusive and why? Sure, I could sit here and go on about how amazing I am, how I’m the perfect girlfriend, etc, but everyone must be their own judge. Me sitting here telling you all of the fabulous things about me is not going to accomplish much. At any rate, I was surfing random blogs today and stumbled upon one chronicling the life of this girl and her fiance. “OMG I WAS SO EXCITED!” was her response when she described his proposal. It would have been sweet had my stomach not turned out of disgust.
I equally despise romantic comedies. I find them utterly unrealistic, fanciful and annoying. Take Serendipity for example.. I mean.. really. REALLY. Come on, folks. Need I even go on? A sweater falling from the sky onto an ice skating rink? ???? Exactly. Of course there is some need for fantasy in entertainment because people, often (note: not everyone) use it (films, theatre, books, etc.) as forms of escapism. My girlfriends all LOVE romantic comedies and still i cannot wrap my head around the reason why.
- HOW is it uplifting to watch the girl get the guy of her dreams?
- HOW is it supposed to make me feel ANY better that she succeeded through all of these trials and tribulations, scaled the greatest mountain to find true love?
- WHAT is her story going to do for me? Absolutely nothing. Some of my single girlfriends argue that “Oh, well, don’t you get it? It’s so sweet to see her happy..” and then I ask “Well WHY are you crying?” and they start ranting about how beautiful it was, how lucky she was, why-cant-I-find-a-guy-like-that?
- HOW is this cathartic? It is depressing.
I know the definition of mimetic theory as well as the next lity. crit. freak but watching a sappy romantic comedy replete with uninspiring dialogue and the identical plot details is unfulfilling. In fact, it makes me feel even MORE empty– as if I were not already empty-feeling enough. In addition, this is the same reason why Internet romance is equally dissatisfying. Sure, you can meet some great people, maybe even the guy/girl of your dreams but *gasp* guess what!! They are not physically there thus it is unsatisfying. Perhaps I’m an anomoly in that respect, but I need someone to be near me to feel complete. What is the point of chatting and conversing on the phone while only being able to entertain the conditional tense of “IF this person were here we would..” “When I meet this person we may..”
See where I’m going with this? Not that I am not guilty of having an AOL boyfriend or five, and it was fun, but ultimately unrewarding. As a mater of fact, there is a new AOBoyfriend that I’m talking to who is fantastic! I think I could be in love with him; this, however, does not stop me from being dissatisfied seeing as how said boy is a) not here b) cannot cuddle with me and so forth. Instead, I’m stuck with the idiot 4th year medical student who keeps calling me in a vain attempt to get me in bed which I have already explicitly told him I will not be doing. Dense, much? Honestly, it’s not wonder I lose interest so quickly.
The whole romance thing is entirely nauseating.
Sure, I can fess up to the fact that I am bitter and cold and whatever other adjective and labels people would like to throw my way. Because in truth, you may be right! I, however, am also completely capable of admitting that once (if) I find this elusive “true love” I will be able to enjoy romantic comedies– sparingly, because then, at least, i will have a nice, large, muscular arm to cry on.
