06.08.09
Because he’s just not that into you…
…but HOW can he not be?!
So tonight, Maria (this lady in my building whose sun goes to Johns Hopkins) hosted an NBA watch party for he and his friends and invited me. I go. It’s fun. Hit it off with one of his friends.. talked forever. Does he ask for my number? No. I mean.. seriously? Given the conversation we had there was no way he couldn’t be interested. But, did he ask for my number? No. Even Maria, after the event, was like “So you and Elliott really hit off!” Ugh. So yes, taking the pragmatic approach: maybe he’s just not that into me.
Reverse situation: today at the pool I met an older man. Wealthy, obviously. He, of course, as fate would have it, is breaking my door down, trying to get my number and get conversation going. Just, ugh. But the guy I’m most interested in and with whom I have the most similarities doesn’t ask for my number!!! AHHHH.
You cannot win for losing, I am convinced. Anyway, “Someone” has called me. Which is annoying because since he and Sister are not talking it “annoys” him. But why can’t I be the cause of his frustration?! I mean, it’s not that I want to negatively affect someone, but still! Bah.
In other news, and perhaps the most important: X and I, again, are no longer talking.
My Mom and I were going to Viriginia to a friend’s graduation. He says we should meet up. Then he throws the lame excuse of “You only gave me a three day notice!” to not meet up. So, whatever. Then he doesn’t call or reply to texts for two days but can send me an IM? I told him the following:
“I understand your situation but understand this: I am tired hearing your same excuses all. the. time. Do us both the favor and lose my number.”
To which he replied: “Consider it lost”
So WHY did he text me 34 minutes later asking if I was going to go to his house while I was there?! I was insulted and said
“Get real.”
To which he replied: “Good, because you don’t seem to be the same girl I knew.”
To which I replied: “You must have me confused with the trashy girls you used to date.”
One would THINK that would be the end to Epic Saga #3, but no. He IMs me later that night as though NOTHING happened! Of course, by that point I had not thought about his all day. Which is totally underestimating the situation because I was pretty torn up over that conversation and it bothered me the entire morning.
Now? I have THE SIMS 3!!!!!!!!!! And I have been consumed by it for 3 days now (HAH! How fitting). I have litterally been subsiting off of Kashi GOLean! Crunch and apple juice. Mmmm. Anyway. I am sleepy and am leaving now.
05.30.09
Megga Bitch
So I recently took this Facebook quiz and I scored ‘Megga Bitch’ on it. The description was: “you chew people up and spit out the pieces you dont like!!.” Which is true, to a certain extent. Which is what leads to the fulcrum of this post..
I am a selfish, manipulative bitch. Part of me is, at least. ‘Someone’ and I even came to the mutual conclusion that we are both like Greek Gods observing mortals and their scandals on earth. I have, essentially, manipulated Sister into not talking to Someone and now she is involved with TWO of Someone’s friends. The plan is working flawlessly; however, there is always room for error. He called her again to try to be friends– she told me this and I essentially broke the happy bubbly and said it was a ploy. Which it is.. to .. some extent. I FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON which is why when bad things happen to me, it feels like Karma. In all honesty, though, you cannot <i<make something happen if it doesn’t want to happen.. so it’s not ALL my fault.
In other news. Someone is gone, the Saga is essentially over but I could not even begin to recap the last few months which have felt more like Seasons on a reality television show than anything else. And I’m the executive producer who makes elusive cameos.
When not being a Megga Bitch, I moonlight as a nice, lonely, miserably single Ivy League grad itching to begin the next chapter in her life. While all of my friends are engaged or married, I have few local friends and spend my time working out and being a productive member of society. Today, as it does on so many days when I interact with large groups, I face the very hardening reality that: I am single and no one else is. There was “Beach” party in my condo building today and all of the residents were hanging out.. all of them with friends.. or their significant others.. neither of which I had. So, when I decided to leave, I came upstairs and cried on the phone to my Mom who couldn’t really talk. X is going to the movies with his mother and couldn’t talk so here I am. Again.
I suppose I could use this time to NOT be selfish and continue tinkering away at my epic to-do list.
05.07.09
Retail therapy or perfect timing?
I AM SO HAPPY I WAS NOT AT WORK TODAY. I mean, things still suck between “Someone” and I because I feel like he knows that I know about HER. I asked him to explain his status and he said he “didn’t know” what it meant. Right. So, we’re being curt with each other but whatever, I’m getting over it. How, you may ask, after I spent the last 10 days venting about him? I shall enumerate below:
1. The Ex. He still loves me. I’ll love him more when he’s here. He has been so much sweeter. I remember now why I loved him. He’s funny, bright, hot, conversation is easy with him and it isn’t strained. I never have to ask him for his opinion– he gives it– whether you want it or not. Right now, things are good.
2. New dress. It’s P E R F E C T. But it’s $608.00. I am trying to cajole my grandmother into purchasing it for me. We will find out the verdict soon enough. I’m thinking its a 50/50 shot.
3. Impact of dress. “Someone” will shit himself. So will everyone else.
4. My voice is getting much better!
5. Just got off of the phone with the ex and he will be calling me back.
6. I realized that trying to follow my own advice is only minimally rewarding. Three days ago, “putting it into perspective” would have been advice I laughed at and probably would have said “HAH that’s the bullshit I spew to my friends.” But now, in the grande scheme of things, the perspective ain’t that bad. He’s leaving. She’s whatever. I’m going to take the LSAT.
6a. More pressing concerns: desperately need a summer job, might have to move. Thus, truly makes “Someone” less of a concern.
Reality: I am trying to ignore my feelings. Trying to mask the pestilent must with fragrant perfumes. I cannot deny that some of the moments we shared, and the things he said don’t stick.. that they do not resonate deeply because they do. I only hope that we can resolve things before he leaves.
Mental/Emotional status: Clmbing from 35%.
04.30.09
Quarter Life Crisis – whoops, forgot to publish!
Non-sequitur: Just discovered this “poll” application for WordPresswhich looks pretty fun. I flirted with the idea of incorporating it into this post; however, I do not feel my viewership is at a place where it will be functional. End.
So I am approaching my 25th birthday and I am having a mini-freak out. My metabolism is going to slow down, I have not taken the LSAT yet and I am *gasp* still not married nor –even worse– in a relationship which means I am an OLD MAID– remember that card game? Of course, it is no fault save my own, to a certain extent, because honestly, the clingy guy who is blowing up my phone right now just… is not.. interesting. Conversely, it is NOT my fault that Atlanta is replete with idiots and players. Are any of these guys serious? Do they all have “man parties” and watch the UGA bulldogs games? I mean, has the male gender REALLY degenerated to such an extent. Obviously not, but given the majority I would argue, by a stretch, YES they have.
So, what do I want for my quarter-life-crisis Day? A man, The Sims 3, a new desktop computer and clothes for my new shape. Ugh, speaking of shape, I have not been to the gym in THREE DAYS and I feel awful. I even had a donought Friday.
In other rants, upon scanning my previous posts from –OMG– almost a whole year ago! I realized that many of them revolved around the issue of love –not being in it– and X and all sorts of other tirades that, still, revolved around love. You know, now that I am approaching my Quarter Life period it is time to have more meaningful posts. Not that I am forcing myself to produce more meaningful work, no, no, only that now that X is gone I can stop scaling the stone wall veiled by prickly vines of wild roses which did nothing but draw blood– and it hurt. Now it can heal, my wounds, that is. Wait– what wounds? Precisely!
PS- I turned 25 March 22nd!
Degrassi
I am convinced that my life has degenerated into a bad episode of Degrassi. I am involved with “Someone” and “Sister” has a crush on him; however, is everyone is unaware of our relationship which, as of now, is a little strange. He no longer leaves cute status messages (or any status message at all, for that matter), yet continues to ‘flirt’. News: had a discussion about his ex the other day which he conveys that he still has some feelings for. Seriously? What is that? To top it all off, “Sister” is fed up with the friendly flirting he is seems to be showing her and has decided to confront him about the matter. COULD IT GET ANY WORSE. “What if..” it seems to be the guiding question in my life.. “What if” he says he likes her? What if he doesn’t? What if it changes how he and I interact? What if they begin to have regular phone conversations like we do? UGH. Now I have to ask myself: why did I even get involved? Answer: because it felt right.
But feelings can be wrong.
In addition (just to keep piling on the shit) my ex calls me out of the blue!!! And now we are talking as if nothing ever happened! As a matter of fact, he is on speaker typing something while I am writing this entry. klasjdlaksjdlakjskalsjdlaksjdalkjdajlksdfjlskjg
Someone shoot me now and send a real man my way.
01.07.09
No more fat. No more boyfriend.
Well, there is still plenty of fat but a whole lot less since September. Honestly, those NutriSystem commercials are getting on my nerves. They are all over AOL and .. everywhere else. Much has happened since I last posted! Well, I’ve lost 51 pounds (all by myself– yay!) and now I have no one to show it off to!!! Sadness. X and I ended out “relationship” two days ago. Now we’re “friends” and taking a “break.” Then this morning I get an email from my friend Matt spilling all of the details of his proposal to his longtime girlfriend. Now they’re getting married in July and I want to SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD. Jesus Christ– when am I gonna get mine!!?!? I want to get married too! Or at least be in a nice, committed, serious relationship. UGH. So, life was OK up until this morning now it’s officially terrible. Other goods news, though: I’m teaching! And I love it. The kids are amazing, the holidays are great but the administration? Could not be any worse.
08.03.08
Hedging my heart
You know, “Simple economics”? Well, I’ve decided to withdraw some of my investments. Yep. Taking money out of the fund. Not to invest elsewhere and not to invest in myself (because I find that obnoxiously cliche), but to just hold and wait until I find the right fund for me. Something that suits my investor profile. Nothing too aggressive, something with a guaranteed return and tangible perks. Yep. This is me hedging myself. Hedging my heart.
“If you want me to fall for you, give me something worth tripping over..”
…and I really, really want to fall.
So basically, I haven’t spoken to X in what feels like ages. He calls sometimes during the week, but I can never talk for long. He isn’t online anymore and he doesn’t even bother to send me messages or emails. So, whatever. I’m sick of voicemails that say I am missed and that “I adore you.” It’s great and all, but I’m over it. Every day I see these couples walking, holding hands, kissing and it disgusts me. Honestly, I think disgust a defense mechanmism, because if I were not disgusted, I would probably be very sad and depressed. Instead, I just think to myself, “Hah. Look at those stupid idiots, so in love. It’s gross. It disgusts me. Love does not exist.” But at least I recogognize my issue, right?! You know, I imagine anyone who reads my rants must think I am like, completely psychotic and an Ice Queen. But in troth, I am anything but!
On the bus on the way to my Air France flight from Paris, there was this couple who essentially made out the ENTIRE ride to the plane. I turned my back to them. I mean WHO DOES THAT!??! Ugh.
Anyway. I haven’t spoken to X in two days, he finally signs onto AOL and we have a brief conversation. He says he misses me, asks how Venice was, etc, I tell him it was fun, went out, blah blah. He asks if I got laid– and I say, obviously not– but its sweet of him to be concerned– then he goes on about how I’m a beautiful girl and he hasn’t been able to talk to me and blah blah. He says “I want to be with you”. Blah blah. You know, it’s great that he seems concerned and wants to be with me but I just roll my shoulders. I don’t care anymore. What-theFUCK-ever. I want something real. I want something here. He can’t be here. He can’t hold me, he can’t kiss me, he can’t hug me, touch me, love me, laugh with me, cry with me, support me– nothing. Nada. He can’t do any of those things for me. All X can do is make me angry and jealous of other real couples. All he can do is NOT be there. And frankly, that’s not enough.
If you cannot appreciate me.
If you cannot be in touch with me.
You cannot be with me.
Period.
07.26.08
Writing is..
ca·thar·sis [kuh-thahr-sis]
sɪs1.the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, esp. through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.
also
- A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially pity and fear, described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience.
- A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.
..Cathartic. I never realized how much so until today. After all of these years of writing endlessly, I never trully understood why.. now I do. It’s like an epiphany. And it feels better than anything else.
