05.09.09
Uber-user
My mother once said: “You cannot use someone without being used.”
She was right and this is the first time I’ve ever had to seriously consider the nuance of said quote. “Sister” and I were up until 4am last night on the phone talking about “Someone”. He was texting her as we were talking and the conversation went something like this:
Her: “Yeah, well you like anything that walks.”
Him: “LOL”
Her: “What’s funny?”
Him: “I can’t help who I like”
Her: “And how many is that?”
Him: “You will never know”
Her: …
Essentially, he told her that he went to hang out with this other girl who he likes “to a certain extent” and then went onto say that he cannot help who he likes, etc. This was the most elementary school response I had ever heard. Clearly Someone is too lazy to be accountable for his actions because he currently “likes” 6 people that I know of and then, according to what he told Sister, likes a lot more but never shows them attention because if he did he would “be doing lots of things.”
ARE. YOU. S E R I O U S?
I cannot quite understand the matter. Part of me says that I have been used! We’ve shared intimate moments, gone out together, etc and here is trying to have ‘affairs’ with other women! And one is a MUTUAL FRIEND!
At this point, he is simply the embodiment of disgust. Sister is not talking to him and neither am I at this point. It’s rather unfortunate that things had to end this way, but how fair is it to toy with one’s feelings as he is?
Needless to say, it serves no useful purpose to be involved with someone who “cannot control who he likes” and consequently acts on those “feelings”. Now that I have reconciled these things and now that– wait a second. Waaaait a second. Could the only reason I had NOT let him go was because Sister liked him and now that she DOESN’T like him I no longer care or feel competitive? Oh, my. I really have some issues.
Mental/Emotional status: 51.3%
In other news, X hasn’t called me today. Reminds me why I keep my feelings well guarded. Also, I think I am getting a sore throat. Ugh. OH. And I’ve lost 2 lbs!
–Speaking of X: he just texted me. Ugh.
07.26.08
Writing is..
ca·thar·sis [kuh-thahr-sis]
sɪs1.the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, esp. through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.
also
- A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially pity and fear, described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience.
- A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.
..Cathartic. I never realized how much so until today. After all of these years of writing endlessly, I never trully understood why.. now I do. It’s like an epiphany. And it feels better than anything else.
simple economics
If the marginal cost exceeds the marginal benefit stop and ask yourself: is it worth it?
Recently (recently as in, three hours ago) I have decided that no, it is not worth it. What is “it”, you may be asking? Ah, yes. A man. We shall call him X (how original, I know). He motiviated me to get fit, upon which I embarkd on a new fitness routine. Working out for 30 minutes twice a day and eating less (sounds easy, right? It’s not. But the results keep you going!) needless to day, it is not so simple when you’re flying across the globe and changing time zones more often than you change your panties. –wait– does that make sense? ANYWAY. I’m really into him and he, apparently, is really into me. Now I know, I know what I said about romance and it stil does make me nauseus. Even more so now that I really like X. But there are problems. Most of them probably stem from me and my need for instant gratificiation, wanting something and wanting it now. Not later, not tomorrow, not next week or when you get your next check, but immediately, g-ddamnit!
So, he’s my AOBoyfriend. Goodlooking, smart, funny, whatever. The norm, right? All of the qualities I find attractive. Obviously it’s long distance. When we first met we talked on the phone for 10 hours. Straight. I kid you not. We have been talking daily for two+ hours a day for a month now. He makes me happy, but less so now. Perhaps, though, it’s by no fault of my own? Ugh. I don’t even know how to elucidate any more clearly because it 3:03 am here in Ireland and I have to be downstairs at 7:50 am and I cannot go back to sleep. Let me try this again.
This is what I want:
1. You care about me? You like me? Show me. (send me an email, flowers, something ANYTHING)
2. Notice the little things that I do to make you feel special.(i.e. sending you cute ecards unprompted, saying how special you are, gushing over your small accomplishments, etc)
3. Be consistent. Consistent with what you say, what you do. (if you call me at 8pm and talk til midnight, keep doing it.)
4. Communicate. Man-up and work it out. (Don’t walk away when I’m sad or hurting or angry)
In my opinion, this is very little ask for. Yet, I feel as though I’m not receiving it in return. He never asks me questions, whenever I mention Brown he tells me what a shitty school it is and that it doesn’t offer many classes– wtf? Nothing I do is ever wonderful or great, he glosses over my small accomplishments but can rant on for hours about his day. When he asks about mine, my sentences are cut off. When I try to confront him about it, I’m left feeling like the idiot. Keep in mind this is all very much how I feel. To the objective viewer/reader/listener it may appear wholly different.
So today, after he had not called for 24 hours, he called to say his bowflex arrived and he was sore from assembling it and he was sorry he didn’t call but he was spending time with his parents because his degernerate older brother is moving back in. Um. Ok. Couldn’t you have sent an email? A Myspace message? Left a voicemail? What gives? So following our 8 minute and 13 second phone call I was livid. My ire yeilded itself to an epiphany:
risk and return. Simple investment practices. If I invest in a company but see no return, why should I continue to invest? Quite literally: I’m the one paying for my phone bill. I’m the one sending him postcards from Europe, I’m the one who decided to get a personal trainer. Me. Where is my return?
Define: return.
-In this context, I am defining return as the emotional reward. Appreciation. Does he care that I went to an ivy league school? Does he appreciate that I am educated? That I do little things to make him feel special? If so, I cannot tell. He may say he loves me, he adores me, etc, but actions, as always, speak so much louder than words. I hear what X is saying but I cannot see it.
As an investor, you look for perks when investing in a company. What are my benefits? Privileges? I’m a shareholder and have voting rights.. Where are my voting rights with X? Why must I always be left feeling angry and unable to voice my concerns?
A gopher could discern that clearly, I am dissatisfied. I want more. I want more than 948483992 phone calls a day, I want more than “I adore you”. .. and I don’t know what to do. I’m angry that he even bothered to call. Now that I’m writing about it and revisitng that anger I’m even MORE annoyed. So, I’m trying to keep myself from writing him an angry email that I know I will regret but I’m feeling more inclined with each keystroke.
Damnit, I am so angry! All I want is to be LOVED! I’m screaming, LOVE ME! But the only thing I get in response is the echo of my own voice.
ARGH!!!!! I just want to rip my hair out!!!!!!!!!
