04.30.09
Quarter Life Crisis – whoops, forgot to publish!
Non-sequitur: Just discovered this “poll” application for WordPresswhich looks pretty fun. I flirted with the idea of incorporating it into this post; however, I do not feel my viewership is at a place where it will be functional. End.
So I am approaching my 25th birthday and I am having a mini-freak out. My metabolism is going to slow down, I have not taken the LSAT yet and I am *gasp* still not married nor –even worse– in a relationship which means I am an OLD MAID– remember that card game? Of course, it is no fault save my own, to a certain extent, because honestly, the clingy guy who is blowing up my phone right now just… is not.. interesting. Conversely, it is NOT my fault that Atlanta is replete with idiots and players. Are any of these guys serious? Do they all have “man parties” and watch the UGA bulldogs games? I mean, has the male gender REALLY degenerated to such an extent. Obviously not, but given the majority I would argue, by a stretch, YES they have.
So, what do I want for my quarter-life-crisis Day? A man, The Sims 3, a new desktop computer and clothes for my new shape. Ugh, speaking of shape, I have not been to the gym in THREE DAYS and I feel awful. I even had a donought Friday.
In other rants, upon scanning my previous posts from –OMG– almost a whole year ago! I realized that many of them revolved around the issue of love –not being in it– and X and all sorts of other tirades that, still, revolved around love. You know, now that I am approaching my Quarter Life period it is time to have more meaningful posts. Not that I am forcing myself to produce more meaningful work, no, no, only that now that X is gone I can stop scaling the stone wall veiled by prickly vines of wild roses which did nothing but draw blood– and it hurt. Now it can heal, my wounds, that is. Wait– what wounds? Precisely!
PS- I turned 25 March 22nd!
01.07.09
No more fat. No more boyfriend.
Well, there is still plenty of fat but a whole lot less since September. Honestly, those NutriSystem commercials are getting on my nerves. They are all over AOL and .. everywhere else. Much has happened since I last posted! Well, I’ve lost 51 pounds (all by myself– yay!) and now I have no one to show it off to!!! Sadness. X and I ended out “relationship” two days ago. Now we’re “friends” and taking a “break.” Then this morning I get an email from my friend Matt spilling all of the details of his proposal to his longtime girlfriend. Now they’re getting married in July and I want to SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD. Jesus Christ– when am I gonna get mine!!?!? I want to get married too! Or at least be in a nice, committed, serious relationship. UGH. So, life was OK up until this morning now it’s officially terrible. Other goods news, though: I’m teaching! And I love it. The kids are amazing, the holidays are great but the administration? Could not be any worse.
08.03.08
Hedging my heart
You know, “Simple economics”? Well, I’ve decided to withdraw some of my investments. Yep. Taking money out of the fund. Not to invest elsewhere and not to invest in myself (because I find that obnoxiously cliche), but to just hold and wait until I find the right fund for me. Something that suits my investor profile. Nothing too aggressive, something with a guaranteed return and tangible perks. Yep. This is me hedging myself. Hedging my heart.
“If you want me to fall for you, give me something worth tripping over..”
…and I really, really want to fall.
So basically, I haven’t spoken to X in what feels like ages. He calls sometimes during the week, but I can never talk for long. He isn’t online anymore and he doesn’t even bother to send me messages or emails. So, whatever. I’m sick of voicemails that say I am missed and that “I adore you.” It’s great and all, but I’m over it. Every day I see these couples walking, holding hands, kissing and it disgusts me. Honestly, I think disgust a defense mechanmism, because if I were not disgusted, I would probably be very sad and depressed. Instead, I just think to myself, “Hah. Look at those stupid idiots, so in love. It’s gross. It disgusts me. Love does not exist.” But at least I recogognize my issue, right?! You know, I imagine anyone who reads my rants must think I am like, completely psychotic and an Ice Queen. But in troth, I am anything but!
On the bus on the way to my Air France flight from Paris, there was this couple who essentially made out the ENTIRE ride to the plane. I turned my back to them. I mean WHO DOES THAT!??! Ugh.
Anyway. I haven’t spoken to X in two days, he finally signs onto AOL and we have a brief conversation. He says he misses me, asks how Venice was, etc, I tell him it was fun, went out, blah blah. He asks if I got laid– and I say, obviously not– but its sweet of him to be concerned– then he goes on about how I’m a beautiful girl and he hasn’t been able to talk to me and blah blah. He says “I want to be with you”. Blah blah. You know, it’s great that he seems concerned and wants to be with me but I just roll my shoulders. I don’t care anymore. What-theFUCK-ever. I want something real. I want something here. He can’t be here. He can’t hold me, he can’t kiss me, he can’t hug me, touch me, love me, laugh with me, cry with me, support me– nothing. Nada. He can’t do any of those things for me. All X can do is make me angry and jealous of other real couples. All he can do is NOT be there. And frankly, that’s not enough.
If you cannot appreciate me.
If you cannot be in touch with me.
You cannot be with me.
Period.
07.26.08
simple economics
If the marginal cost exceeds the marginal benefit stop and ask yourself: is it worth it?
Recently (recently as in, three hours ago) I have decided that no, it is not worth it. What is “it”, you may be asking? Ah, yes. A man. We shall call him X (how original, I know). He motiviated me to get fit, upon which I embarkd on a new fitness routine. Working out for 30 minutes twice a day and eating less (sounds easy, right? It’s not. But the results keep you going!) needless to day, it is not so simple when you’re flying across the globe and changing time zones more often than you change your panties. –wait– does that make sense? ANYWAY. I’m really into him and he, apparently, is really into me. Now I know, I know what I said about romance and it stil does make me nauseus. Even more so now that I really like X. But there are problems. Most of them probably stem from me and my need for instant gratificiation, wanting something and wanting it now. Not later, not tomorrow, not next week or when you get your next check, but immediately, g-ddamnit!
So, he’s my AOBoyfriend. Goodlooking, smart, funny, whatever. The norm, right? All of the qualities I find attractive. Obviously it’s long distance. When we first met we talked on the phone for 10 hours. Straight. I kid you not. We have been talking daily for two+ hours a day for a month now. He makes me happy, but less so now. Perhaps, though, it’s by no fault of my own? Ugh. I don’t even know how to elucidate any more clearly because it 3:03 am here in Ireland and I have to be downstairs at 7:50 am and I cannot go back to sleep. Let me try this again.
This is what I want:
1. You care about me? You like me? Show me. (send me an email, flowers, something ANYTHING)
2. Notice the little things that I do to make you feel special.(i.e. sending you cute ecards unprompted, saying how special you are, gushing over your small accomplishments, etc)
3. Be consistent. Consistent with what you say, what you do. (if you call me at 8pm and talk til midnight, keep doing it.)
4. Communicate. Man-up and work it out. (Don’t walk away when I’m sad or hurting or angry)
In my opinion, this is very little ask for. Yet, I feel as though I’m not receiving it in return. He never asks me questions, whenever I mention Brown he tells me what a shitty school it is and that it doesn’t offer many classes– wtf? Nothing I do is ever wonderful or great, he glosses over my small accomplishments but can rant on for hours about his day. When he asks about mine, my sentences are cut off. When I try to confront him about it, I’m left feeling like the idiot. Keep in mind this is all very much how I feel. To the objective viewer/reader/listener it may appear wholly different.
So today, after he had not called for 24 hours, he called to say his bowflex arrived and he was sore from assembling it and he was sorry he didn’t call but he was spending time with his parents because his degernerate older brother is moving back in. Um. Ok. Couldn’t you have sent an email? A Myspace message? Left a voicemail? What gives? So following our 8 minute and 13 second phone call I was livid. My ire yeilded itself to an epiphany:
risk and return. Simple investment practices. If I invest in a company but see no return, why should I continue to invest? Quite literally: I’m the one paying for my phone bill. I’m the one sending him postcards from Europe, I’m the one who decided to get a personal trainer. Me. Where is my return?
Define: return.
-In this context, I am defining return as the emotional reward. Appreciation. Does he care that I went to an ivy league school? Does he appreciate that I am educated? That I do little things to make him feel special? If so, I cannot tell. He may say he loves me, he adores me, etc, but actions, as always, speak so much louder than words. I hear what X is saying but I cannot see it.
As an investor, you look for perks when investing in a company. What are my benefits? Privileges? I’m a shareholder and have voting rights.. Where are my voting rights with X? Why must I always be left feeling angry and unable to voice my concerns?
A gopher could discern that clearly, I am dissatisfied. I want more. I want more than 948483992 phone calls a day, I want more than “I adore you”. .. and I don’t know what to do. I’m angry that he even bothered to call. Now that I’m writing about it and revisitng that anger I’m even MORE annoyed. So, I’m trying to keep myself from writing him an angry email that I know I will regret but I’m feeling more inclined with each keystroke.
Damnit, I am so angry! All I want is to be LOVED! I’m screaming, LOVE ME! But the only thing I get in response is the echo of my own voice.
ARGH!!!!! I just want to rip my hair out!!!!!!!!!
