10.09.09
Can’t reconcile your racism?
“These people who are also being led by the Glenn Becks, Michelle Bachmanns, the Rush Limbaughs, whomever, they are no different than any other white-identity movement that’s part of our history. – Janeane Garofalo”
For those of you who missed the October 2,2009 episode of Bill Maher, it is worth watching.
So my ex calls me this morning to essentially bash Obama now that he has won the Nobel Peace Prize. Sure, we can all agree that this is politics at play– but does he deserve it? Yes, he does. As I tried to tell my ex this morning, but instead of listening to me after asking for my opinion? He talks over me. Doesn’t let me say anything, so I say “Fuck it,” and hang up. Repeat.
The resounding question seems to be: But what has Obama done?
The question that I pose to him/everyone else: What will they LET him do!?
People say “Bush got things done by just pushing things through when Congress was not in session”. Thereby implying that Obama should do the same thing. But as soon as he did something like that? Those same pundits would say “Oh, look at Obama! He’s breaking his word! Where is the Change?! He’s doing the same thing Bush did illegally!”
People say that because Obama did not call the race card or admit that racism was a factor in the opposition he is facing that clearly, there is no racism. Do you HONESTLY think Obama COULD admit that it was racism? As soon as he did, those pundits would say “Oh look! Obama is weak and vulnerable– he had to blame his failure on racism!”
If he does the right thing: he isn’t strong enough. If he displays any signs of strength?: he isn’t being bi-partisan and therefore breaking a “promise”. Give him an avenue of success! 65% of the American people want a Public Option. He is trying to give them a Public Option! But REPUBLICANS and SOME Democrats don’t want to approve it! Why? Because they are in bed with lobbyists and don’t want to lose any potential campaign funding. Don’t blame Obama. Look at your own Senators. Reevaluate.
So as you can see, the man cannot win for losing.
So I ask you: are people blind?!! The man is trying to get a Health Care Bill passed but people are in strong opposition for a NUMBER of reasons! Be it bribes, money, press, whatever– Look at Joe Wilson, look at the Tea Party people, look at all of the “Socialist” propoganda. Jimmy Carter was right when he said racism is a factor. You give Obama 9 months to try to bring completely new reform, and when YOU don’t see tangible impacts, YET, you come to the conclusion that “he isn’t doing anything”!? REALLY people!?
I was even MORE disgusted when I voted in this poll on AOL.
70% say Obama does not deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. WHY. NOT? Look at the opposition he has overcome. Look at all of the people who said “No you can’t”, look at how people are so willing to criticize him just because of one bill?! Look at what he has done with the EPA! With using diplomacy! Even BILL MAHER admitted that the only reason we are making strides with Iran is because of diplomacy.
This sort of negativity is toxic. And I am sick of hearing it. When I look at the Tea Party people, when I look at Joe Wilson, I am sorry to say it, but all I see are uneducated white people who refuse to concede power to not only a multi-racial man, but to a man who also has more education, is more articulate and tempered than many of them. They want to undermine Obama to weaken him. Because he is NOT WHITE. And he is educated. They called him and the people who support him elitist when hi is the least elite of all. He is the one who comes from a broken family, he is the one who has had to make it on his own, he did not get into Harvard and Columbia through legacy, but hard work. But now he is a Socialist because he is trying to help the American people? This is absurd! Why don’t you all open your eyes and take a good, long look at yourselves. Turn that reflective lens inward and tell me what you see. Because I see a racist and I commend Barack Obama for being better than all of the mud slinging; for rising above the smut in the Senate and the South and taking everything in stride.
People say “Oh, but he isn’t even all Black!” You’re right. He’s not. But guess what? It doesn’t matter. Because to all of the racist, uneducated white people out there like my ex? He’s Black. And he isn’t doing anything.
Grow. Up.
And before you say that Bill Maher and Janeane Garofalo are not viable sources? Attack the issue. Don’t give me flawed logic.
And for all of you critics out there: you can say that my entry was a rant. It is. But call it what you will, it’s true. The only reason you can’t admit it’s true? Is because you have a hard time reconciling your racism.
05.09.09
Uber-user
My mother once said: “You cannot use someone without being used.”
She was right and this is the first time I’ve ever had to seriously consider the nuance of said quote. “Sister” and I were up until 4am last night on the phone talking about “Someone”. He was texting her as we were talking and the conversation went something like this:
Her: “Yeah, well you like anything that walks.”
Him: “LOL”
Her: “What’s funny?”
Him: “I can’t help who I like”
Her: “And how many is that?”
Him: “You will never know”
Her: …
Essentially, he told her that he went to hang out with this other girl who he likes “to a certain extent” and then went onto say that he cannot help who he likes, etc. This was the most elementary school response I had ever heard. Clearly Someone is too lazy to be accountable for his actions because he currently “likes” 6 people that I know of and then, according to what he told Sister, likes a lot more but never shows them attention because if he did he would “be doing lots of things.”
ARE. YOU. S E R I O U S?
I cannot quite understand the matter. Part of me says that I have been used! We’ve shared intimate moments, gone out together, etc and here is trying to have ‘affairs’ with other women! And one is a MUTUAL FRIEND!
At this point, he is simply the embodiment of disgust. Sister is not talking to him and neither am I at this point. It’s rather unfortunate that things had to end this way, but how fair is it to toy with one’s feelings as he is?
Needless to say, it serves no useful purpose to be involved with someone who “cannot control who he likes” and consequently acts on those “feelings”. Now that I have reconciled these things and now that– wait a second. Waaaait a second. Could the only reason I had NOT let him go was because Sister liked him and now that she DOESN’T like him I no longer care or feel competitive? Oh, my. I really have some issues.
Mental/Emotional status: 51.3%
In other news, X hasn’t called me today. Reminds me why I keep my feelings well guarded. Also, I think I am getting a sore throat. Ugh. OH. And I’ve lost 2 lbs!
–Speaking of X: he just texted me. Ugh.
05.07.09
Retail therapy or perfect timing?
I AM SO HAPPY I WAS NOT AT WORK TODAY. I mean, things still suck between “Someone” and I because I feel like he knows that I know about HER. I asked him to explain his status and he said he “didn’t know” what it meant. Right. So, we’re being curt with each other but whatever, I’m getting over it. How, you may ask, after I spent the last 10 days venting about him? I shall enumerate below:
1. The Ex. He still loves me. I’ll love him more when he’s here. He has been so much sweeter. I remember now why I loved him. He’s funny, bright, hot, conversation is easy with him and it isn’t strained. I never have to ask him for his opinion– he gives it– whether you want it or not. Right now, things are good.
2. New dress. It’s P E R F E C T. But it’s $608.00. I am trying to cajole my grandmother into purchasing it for me. We will find out the verdict soon enough. I’m thinking its a 50/50 shot.
3. Impact of dress. “Someone” will shit himself. So will everyone else.
4. My voice is getting much better!
5. Just got off of the phone with the ex and he will be calling me back.
6. I realized that trying to follow my own advice is only minimally rewarding. Three days ago, “putting it into perspective” would have been advice I laughed at and probably would have said “HAH that’s the bullshit I spew to my friends.” But now, in the grande scheme of things, the perspective ain’t that bad. He’s leaving. She’s whatever. I’m going to take the LSAT.
6a. More pressing concerns: desperately need a summer job, might have to move. Thus, truly makes “Someone” less of a concern.
Reality: I am trying to ignore my feelings. Trying to mask the pestilent must with fragrant perfumes. I cannot deny that some of the moments we shared, and the things he said don’t stick.. that they do not resonate deeply because they do. I only hope that we can resolve things before he leaves.
Mental/Emotional status: Clmbing from 35%.
08.03.08
Hedging my heart
You know, “Simple economics”? Well, I’ve decided to withdraw some of my investments. Yep. Taking money out of the fund. Not to invest elsewhere and not to invest in myself (because I find that obnoxiously cliche), but to just hold and wait until I find the right fund for me. Something that suits my investor profile. Nothing too aggressive, something with a guaranteed return and tangible perks. Yep. This is me hedging myself. Hedging my heart.
“If you want me to fall for you, give me something worth tripping over..”
…and I really, really want to fall.
So basically, I haven’t spoken to X in what feels like ages. He calls sometimes during the week, but I can never talk for long. He isn’t online anymore and he doesn’t even bother to send me messages or emails. So, whatever. I’m sick of voicemails that say I am missed and that “I adore you.” It’s great and all, but I’m over it. Every day I see these couples walking, holding hands, kissing and it disgusts me. Honestly, I think disgust a defense mechanmism, because if I were not disgusted, I would probably be very sad and depressed. Instead, I just think to myself, “Hah. Look at those stupid idiots, so in love. It’s gross. It disgusts me. Love does not exist.” But at least I recogognize my issue, right?! You know, I imagine anyone who reads my rants must think I am like, completely psychotic and an Ice Queen. But in troth, I am anything but!
On the bus on the way to my Air France flight from Paris, there was this couple who essentially made out the ENTIRE ride to the plane. I turned my back to them. I mean WHO DOES THAT!??! Ugh.
Anyway. I haven’t spoken to X in two days, he finally signs onto AOL and we have a brief conversation. He says he misses me, asks how Venice was, etc, I tell him it was fun, went out, blah blah. He asks if I got laid– and I say, obviously not– but its sweet of him to be concerned– then he goes on about how I’m a beautiful girl and he hasn’t been able to talk to me and blah blah. He says “I want to be with you”. Blah blah. You know, it’s great that he seems concerned and wants to be with me but I just roll my shoulders. I don’t care anymore. What-theFUCK-ever. I want something real. I want something here. He can’t be here. He can’t hold me, he can’t kiss me, he can’t hug me, touch me, love me, laugh with me, cry with me, support me– nothing. Nada. He can’t do any of those things for me. All X can do is make me angry and jealous of other real couples. All he can do is NOT be there. And frankly, that’s not enough.
If you cannot appreciate me.
If you cannot be in touch with me.
You cannot be with me.
Period.
07.26.08
simple economics
If the marginal cost exceeds the marginal benefit stop and ask yourself: is it worth it?
Recently (recently as in, three hours ago) I have decided that no, it is not worth it. What is “it”, you may be asking? Ah, yes. A man. We shall call him X (how original, I know). He motiviated me to get fit, upon which I embarkd on a new fitness routine. Working out for 30 minutes twice a day and eating less (sounds easy, right? It’s not. But the results keep you going!) needless to day, it is not so simple when you’re flying across the globe and changing time zones more often than you change your panties. –wait– does that make sense? ANYWAY. I’m really into him and he, apparently, is really into me. Now I know, I know what I said about romance and it stil does make me nauseus. Even more so now that I really like X. But there are problems. Most of them probably stem from me and my need for instant gratificiation, wanting something and wanting it now. Not later, not tomorrow, not next week or when you get your next check, but immediately, g-ddamnit!
So, he’s my AOBoyfriend. Goodlooking, smart, funny, whatever. The norm, right? All of the qualities I find attractive. Obviously it’s long distance. When we first met we talked on the phone for 10 hours. Straight. I kid you not. We have been talking daily for two+ hours a day for a month now. He makes me happy, but less so now. Perhaps, though, it’s by no fault of my own? Ugh. I don’t even know how to elucidate any more clearly because it 3:03 am here in Ireland and I have to be downstairs at 7:50 am and I cannot go back to sleep. Let me try this again.
This is what I want:
1. You care about me? You like me? Show me. (send me an email, flowers, something ANYTHING)
2. Notice the little things that I do to make you feel special.(i.e. sending you cute ecards unprompted, saying how special you are, gushing over your small accomplishments, etc)
3. Be consistent. Consistent with what you say, what you do. (if you call me at 8pm and talk til midnight, keep doing it.)
4. Communicate. Man-up and work it out. (Don’t walk away when I’m sad or hurting or angry)
In my opinion, this is very little ask for. Yet, I feel as though I’m not receiving it in return. He never asks me questions, whenever I mention Brown he tells me what a shitty school it is and that it doesn’t offer many classes– wtf? Nothing I do is ever wonderful or great, he glosses over my small accomplishments but can rant on for hours about his day. When he asks about mine, my sentences are cut off. When I try to confront him about it, I’m left feeling like the idiot. Keep in mind this is all very much how I feel. To the objective viewer/reader/listener it may appear wholly different.
So today, after he had not called for 24 hours, he called to say his bowflex arrived and he was sore from assembling it and he was sorry he didn’t call but he was spending time with his parents because his degernerate older brother is moving back in. Um. Ok. Couldn’t you have sent an email? A Myspace message? Left a voicemail? What gives? So following our 8 minute and 13 second phone call I was livid. My ire yeilded itself to an epiphany:
risk and return. Simple investment practices. If I invest in a company but see no return, why should I continue to invest? Quite literally: I’m the one paying for my phone bill. I’m the one sending him postcards from Europe, I’m the one who decided to get a personal trainer. Me. Where is my return?
Define: return.
-In this context, I am defining return as the emotional reward. Appreciation. Does he care that I went to an ivy league school? Does he appreciate that I am educated? That I do little things to make him feel special? If so, I cannot tell. He may say he loves me, he adores me, etc, but actions, as always, speak so much louder than words. I hear what X is saying but I cannot see it.
As an investor, you look for perks when investing in a company. What are my benefits? Privileges? I’m a shareholder and have voting rights.. Where are my voting rights with X? Why must I always be left feeling angry and unable to voice my concerns?
A gopher could discern that clearly, I am dissatisfied. I want more. I want more than 948483992 phone calls a day, I want more than “I adore you”. .. and I don’t know what to do. I’m angry that he even bothered to call. Now that I’m writing about it and revisitng that anger I’m even MORE annoyed. So, I’m trying to keep myself from writing him an angry email that I know I will regret but I’m feeling more inclined with each keystroke.
Damnit, I am so angry! All I want is to be LOVED! I’m screaming, LOVE ME! But the only thing I get in response is the echo of my own voice.
ARGH!!!!! I just want to rip my hair out!!!!!!!!!
