06.08.09
Because he’s just not that into you…
…but HOW can he not be?!
So tonight, Maria (this lady in my building whose sun goes to Johns Hopkins) hosted an NBA watch party for he and his friends and invited me. I go. It’s fun. Hit it off with one of his friends.. talked forever. Does he ask for my number? No. I mean.. seriously? Given the conversation we had there was no way he couldn’t be interested. But, did he ask for my number? No. Even Maria, after the event, was like “So you and Elliott really hit off!” Ugh. So yes, taking the pragmatic approach: maybe he’s just not that into me.
Reverse situation: today at the pool I met an older man. Wealthy, obviously. He, of course, as fate would have it, is breaking my door down, trying to get my number and get conversation going. Just, ugh. But the guy I’m most interested in and with whom I have the most similarities doesn’t ask for my number!!! AHHHH.
You cannot win for losing, I am convinced. Anyway, “Someone” has called me. Which is annoying because since he and Sister are not talking it “annoys” him. But why can’t I be the cause of his frustration?! I mean, it’s not that I want to negatively affect someone, but still! Bah.
In other news, and perhaps the most important: X and I, again, are no longer talking.
My Mom and I were going to Viriginia to a friend’s graduation. He says we should meet up. Then he throws the lame excuse of “You only gave me a three day notice!” to not meet up. So, whatever. Then he doesn’t call or reply to texts for two days but can send me an IM? I told him the following:
“I understand your situation but understand this: I am tired hearing your same excuses all. the. time. Do us both the favor and lose my number.”
To which he replied: “Consider it lost”
So WHY did he text me 34 minutes later asking if I was going to go to his house while I was there?! I was insulted and said
“Get real.”
To which he replied: “Good, because you don’t seem to be the same girl I knew.”
To which I replied: “You must have me confused with the trashy girls you used to date.”
One would THINK that would be the end to Epic Saga #3, but no. He IMs me later that night as though NOTHING happened! Of course, by that point I had not thought about his all day. Which is totally underestimating the situation because I was pretty torn up over that conversation and it bothered me the entire morning.
Now? I have THE SIMS 3!!!!!!!!!! And I have been consumed by it for 3 days now (HAH! How fitting). I have litterally been subsiting off of Kashi GOLean! Crunch and apple juice. Mmmm. Anyway. I am sleepy and am leaving now.
05.30.09
Megga Bitch
So I recently took this Facebook quiz and I scored ‘Megga Bitch’ on it. The description was: “you chew people up and spit out the pieces you dont like!!.” Which is true, to a certain extent. Which is what leads to the fulcrum of this post..
I am a selfish, manipulative bitch. Part of me is, at least. ‘Someone’ and I even came to the mutual conclusion that we are both like Greek Gods observing mortals and their scandals on earth. I have, essentially, manipulated Sister into not talking to Someone and now she is involved with TWO of Someone’s friends. The plan is working flawlessly; however, there is always room for error. He called her again to try to be friends– she told me this and I essentially broke the happy bubbly and said it was a ploy. Which it is.. to .. some extent. I FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON which is why when bad things happen to me, it feels like Karma. In all honesty, though, you cannot <i<make something happen if it doesn’t want to happen.. so it’s not ALL my fault.
In other news. Someone is gone, the Saga is essentially over but I could not even begin to recap the last few months which have felt more like Seasons on a reality television show than anything else. And I’m the executive producer who makes elusive cameos.
When not being a Megga Bitch, I moonlight as a nice, lonely, miserably single Ivy League grad itching to begin the next chapter in her life. While all of my friends are engaged or married, I have few local friends and spend my time working out and being a productive member of society. Today, as it does on so many days when I interact with large groups, I face the very hardening reality that: I am single and no one else is. There was “Beach” party in my condo building today and all of the residents were hanging out.. all of them with friends.. or their significant others.. neither of which I had. So, when I decided to leave, I came upstairs and cried on the phone to my Mom who couldn’t really talk. X is going to the movies with his mother and couldn’t talk so here I am. Again.
I suppose I could use this time to NOT be selfish and continue tinkering away at my epic to-do list.
05.12.09
REVELATION(s) + Elmo
Yesterday was epic, to say the least. As a matter of fact, this entire weekend was EPIC.
Here is the uber-abbreviated version:
1. Someone essentially tells Sister that he likes another girl too and has been spending time with her.
2. She is disgusted and over him.
3. Today, Someone’s best friend, MD, tells us what happened.. Essentially, MD likes this girl named K, who MD was also involved with.
Ok, this isn’t working. Someone “likes” and is spending some time with the girl his best friend likes. Sister is disgusted by his behavior. There are far too many details to recount so instead I will simly give my perspective and present the outcome.
Sister and Someone had a falling out. She is no longer talking to him. Ironically enough, this plays perfectly into my plan. He’s upset with her and she loathes him and I look like the innocent confidant! YAY! I know. I know. It is horrible and manipulative which is probably why THE $608 DRESS that I got is not NEARLY as cute in person as it was on the website. UGH. Mom and I are going to return it shortly and buy this yellow gown I spotted two weeks ago. Hopefully it will fit– it’s a size smaller– but SPEAKING of weight! I HAVE LOST 10 pounds!!!!! YAY!! I am only75 pounds from my PERFECT weight!
I just realized that this post has been a cluster-fuck of information and is in no way, shape, or formed organized. Oh, well.
Things I have come to terms with:
1. Weight loss is possible once you have reached the mental-level of preperedness.
2. I am selfish, spoiled and manipulative but overall a good person who just wants to be loved and made to feel special.
3. I am happy with my body.
4. Someone is … annoying. He and I have yet to really have a talk and get it all out there in the air. We were close today but it was just.. ugh. He was going to kiss me, I could feel it, but then we just didn’t. I was not giving him any positive vibes, really, but then again, I’m not interested in kissing him.
5. I’m O V E R my Ex. Same shit, same issue different day.
Also, here is the comic relief to all of the drama/ ongoing Saga: Elmo
05.09.09
Uber-user
My mother once said: “You cannot use someone without being used.”
She was right and this is the first time I’ve ever had to seriously consider the nuance of said quote. “Sister” and I were up until 4am last night on the phone talking about “Someone”. He was texting her as we were talking and the conversation went something like this:
Her: “Yeah, well you like anything that walks.”
Him: “LOL”
Her: “What’s funny?”
Him: “I can’t help who I like”
Her: “And how many is that?”
Him: “You will never know”
Her: …
Essentially, he told her that he went to hang out with this other girl who he likes “to a certain extent” and then went onto say that he cannot help who he likes, etc. This was the most elementary school response I had ever heard. Clearly Someone is too lazy to be accountable for his actions because he currently “likes” 6 people that I know of and then, according to what he told Sister, likes a lot more but never shows them attention because if he did he would “be doing lots of things.”
ARE. YOU. S E R I O U S?
I cannot quite understand the matter. Part of me says that I have been used! We’ve shared intimate moments, gone out together, etc and here is trying to have ‘affairs’ with other women! And one is a MUTUAL FRIEND!
At this point, he is simply the embodiment of disgust. Sister is not talking to him and neither am I at this point. It’s rather unfortunate that things had to end this way, but how fair is it to toy with one’s feelings as he is?
Needless to say, it serves no useful purpose to be involved with someone who “cannot control who he likes” and consequently acts on those “feelings”. Now that I have reconciled these things and now that– wait a second. Waaaait a second. Could the only reason I had NOT let him go was because Sister liked him and now that she DOESN’T like him I no longer care or feel competitive? Oh, my. I really have some issues.
Mental/Emotional status: 51.3%
In other news, X hasn’t called me today. Reminds me why I keep my feelings well guarded. Also, I think I am getting a sore throat. Ugh. OH. And I’ve lost 2 lbs!
–Speaking of X: he just texted me. Ugh.
05.08.09
Mercurial Mercutio?
I inadvertently happened upon this link today while browsing for Young Alumni events (when I should be looking for a job!) and it made me sad. Well, only marginally because a) I adore Shakespeare and fun venues such as the Shakespeare Tavern which really makes an effort to transport their audience and offer educational opportunities for students and young aspiring actors is worthy of applause. So, to see that a creative outlet such as this one is suffering saddens me. Where are our values, society?! Clearly the millions of dollars we play NBA stars and Olympic swimmers is far more important than augmenting the minds of middle schoolers in hopes of swaying their interests AWAY from sex and onto something more.. promising. b) We all know that the Tavern will come up with the money. There will be some anonymous millionaire who will foot the bill and cushion their books to make the next season superb. c) Back to me: where is my anonymous donor!?
Maybe I’m selfish.
There really is no question about it: I can be very selfish at times. Maybe it’s the only child syndrome, I don’t know, but I am suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of selfishness. Remember the retail therapy post? The $608 dress? Well, it’s a heft price tag and I have other expenses. The fiscally responsible thing to do would be to find another, less expensive dress, right? That way I am less stressed, my mother and grandmother are less stressed, etc. But why do I feel unable to do so? It’s like.. I cannot let go of this one item I so desperately want and … kind of need. I can justify the dress a hundred times over but it feels so unfair when my mother has her own expenses and issues to deal with and so does my grandmother. Not only that, but MOTHER’S DAY is Sunday and what have I purchased? Nothing! because I spend all of my money at the Renaissance festival. I FEEL HORRIBLE. I talked to Mom about it but she, as usual, doesn’t want anything.
Not only do I feel selfish when it comes to purchasing new items, but sometimes I am selfish in relationships: always demanding to come first and on occasion I raise issues that were not even issues to begin with. Ah, well. The first step is to acknowledge that you have a problem and then work on it, which I am doing! 
Mental/Emotional status: Nearing 39%
P.S. I got The Dress
05.07.09
Retail therapy or perfect timing?
I AM SO HAPPY I WAS NOT AT WORK TODAY. I mean, things still suck between “Someone” and I because I feel like he knows that I know about HER. I asked him to explain his status and he said he “didn’t know” what it meant. Right. So, we’re being curt with each other but whatever, I’m getting over it. How, you may ask, after I spent the last 10 days venting about him? I shall enumerate below:
1. The Ex. He still loves me. I’ll love him more when he’s here. He has been so much sweeter. I remember now why I loved him. He’s funny, bright, hot, conversation is easy with him and it isn’t strained. I never have to ask him for his opinion– he gives it– whether you want it or not. Right now, things are good.
2. New dress. It’s P E R F E C T. But it’s $608.00. I am trying to cajole my grandmother into purchasing it for me. We will find out the verdict soon enough. I’m thinking its a 50/50 shot.
3. Impact of dress. “Someone” will shit himself. So will everyone else.
4. My voice is getting much better!
5. Just got off of the phone with the ex and he will be calling me back.
6. I realized that trying to follow my own advice is only minimally rewarding. Three days ago, “putting it into perspective” would have been advice I laughed at and probably would have said “HAH that’s the bullshit I spew to my friends.” But now, in the grande scheme of things, the perspective ain’t that bad. He’s leaving. She’s whatever. I’m going to take the LSAT.
6a. More pressing concerns: desperately need a summer job, might have to move. Thus, truly makes “Someone” less of a concern.
Reality: I am trying to ignore my feelings. Trying to mask the pestilent must with fragrant perfumes. I cannot deny that some of the moments we shared, and the things he said don’t stick.. that they do not resonate deeply because they do. I only hope that we can resolve things before he leaves.
Mental/Emotional status: Clmbing from 35%.
05.06.09
Funny-house mirrors.
1) “Someone” tells me, in March, “I really like you. I know I’m leaving soon, but lets be together for 2 months and see where it goes.” = big deal for him.
2) May = weird things begin to happen. “Sister” tells him that she likes him and things turn tospy turvy.
3) All sorts of disastrous random things proceed to happen which I cannot begin to explain because I do not know them myself.
The Breaking News: HE tells me that SHE tried to kiss him. SHE tells me that HE tried to kiss her. If he did, in fact, try to kiss her, he is dead to me. There is nothing worse than a man, or person, who can so easily re-neg on a ‘contract.’ And this ‘contract’ of which I am referring to is the relationship contract. One where there is to be a mutual investment made and values/feelings respected.
Tonight, she tells me HE wants to talk in the morning about their mutual “liking.” Good thing I will not be at work tomorrow. Or Friday, for that matter.
So. How does this work? He wants to spend time with me, all the time.. but he likes HER and his ex and two other females? What is that? I am not so much hurt as pissed the FUCK off. How is it that you’re ‘dating’ me (secretly) but can openly admit to a mutual friend that you all both “like” each other? And now you try to KISS her? WHEN were you going to raise this issue with me? Anytime at all?
Quandary: What to do? If I confront him about it, he will be assured that SHE is telling me all of the things HE is saying which gives HIM an opportunity to tell HER not to talk to me about THEIR situation. = bad.
If I DO NOT confront him openly, the situation is free to lapse until he brings up. = Also bad.
First option has more friendship-breaking potential and is, in my opinion, the worst.
Tonight, via Gmail chat, I was short with him. After I did not respond to a question in a timely fashion, his Facebook status becomes something like “…I know I am short, but when they are short, it lasts longer and it makes me think I did something wrong to them.”
…WELL. Aren’t we intuitive!!! WhatEVER could have given you THAT inkling? Could it have been when you stopped putting up the cute status messages about us? Or maybe when you told me you had feelings for your ex and I said ‘maybe we should stop?” and you didn’t want to? Or *gasp* could it have been when SHE confessed that she liked you and I find out through HER that YOU tried to kiss her? SERIOUSLY!?
Worst case scenario: He decides that the two of THEM should be together. Even for long-distance. I would be even more furious. But what would make it difficult is seeing them together for the remaining weeks. And having to listen to her stories about him all the time.
It’s sad because… I’m not that into him. I like him, sure, but it’s the principal of the matter: you can’t date me then like someone else all of a sudden and say nothing about it. It’s disrespectful. Rude and completely inconsiderate.
I feel like my fragile little bubble is breaking– even if for just a few weeks. There is a knot in my tummy that I cannot get rid of and I feel myself tumbling into some mild state of depression. It’s like.. everything is upside down.. like I’m in a carnival house.. or a room of distorted mirrors and nothing is as it seems. In all of my manipulative-ness, could I be the one being manipulated? By him? Ultimately, he has the power to decide and I feel like it’s going to happen tomorrow.
..if things go the way I feel they are, I could, for the first time in my life, not end up on top. And that is no easy defeat to face.
