10.06.09
It’s hard not being easy.
Why do men loves whores? When polled, most replied with “Because they are easy” or, better still, “Because they are cheaper.”
And you know. I can respect the truth. But.. wow.
To get to the fulcrum of today’s post: it is hard not being easy. Have any of you ever noticed that it’s always the easygirls who get the guys? That, as soon as a guy realizes you’re not going to give up the vag as easily as the ho over there, it’s just not worth it? Sure, sure, we can all sit there and say “But there are exceptions!” or, better still, I am WAITING for someone to comment and say “Oh, I thought that too but my HUSBAND/boyfriend/SO…” Oh, I am just waiting for someone to say that. About how the “right guy” will find you and he will realize what a gem you are–Ok, HOLD UP. Thanks, but I a) realize that I’m a dime and b) am sick of hearing about your great whirlwind romance. Honestly? It’s not going to make me value your opinion anymore than the articles one can read in Redbook magazine.
Back to what I was saying. For example: last year, when I briefly and I mean briefly dated this fourth year medical student, he a) did not pay for lunch after inviting me out to it and b) expected me to have sex with him on the second date! “Show me your boobs” OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!? I don’t even KNOW you!! Now, you might be thinking I’m somewhat of a harlot but I am actually very much a prude. In fact, I wear skirts (knee-length) and dresses (same length) and a string of pearls. I scream class. So where did this guy get off trying to get me to get HIM off? Couldn’t tell ya’. Needless to say, I promptly told him that I’m not interested in having any sort of physical relations with him and to drop me off. He proceeded to call and text for the next few weeks but to no avail. Did he really think it would be that easy?
Fast forward to now. I took the year off from teaching to prep for the LSATs and I’m working at a retail chain. There is a guy there. We will call him El Dork. So, El Dork and I are dorks together. We like a lot of the same things. Laugh and talk and joke about dorky things ALL the time. He is my manager. I’ve known him for maybe a year. At any rate, we finally “go out”. Things proceed well but he doesn’t call as often as I like me men to (which means blowing up my phone) so whatever. But we keep seeing each other, infrequently, but he will call and we’ll talk on the phone. Right, so, last week, he asks me to go to the Bookstore after work (YAY) and we are going to go.. that day? Oh, he bails. Can’t do it. Just. Yeah. Can’t go. …Yeah. I know, right? I was thinking the same thing. Sooo… WTF, man? For a while, i thought I had a boyfriend (kind of, lots of details I’m omitting here) but it turns out it seems like nothing of the sort because it is now going on three days and I have not seen El Dork nor heard from him. OH WELL.
I give you that back story to say this: he knows that i’m a “classy girl” and that I’m not interested in sex and it seems pretty clear that I would want a serious relationship. I’m thinking this could be the reason I don’t see him as frequently. But I know, judging from conversations i’ve over heard, that any easy ho would not have a hard time getting into his pants. I bet she would get more mileage out of him than I would.
In summary: when you are not easy (therefore, ‘hard’ to ‘attain’), guys seem much more indifferent and unwilling to make the effort. If I were a ho, I would have the dudes lining UP. Like Elmo. So here I am, single, again, perpetually, and have come to the bitter sweet conclusion that buying a Great Dane and naming her Scooby Doo-Anna is the best alternative. A lonely, attractive lawyer with a pup named Scooby.
05.03.09
What I learned from Max Keeble
Who would have thought that a children’s film could actually offer some sort of real insight into life! “Not I”, said the cat.
Anyway. The film was mostly terrible, however, the kid playing Max is a great actor for his age. Major kudos for him. At any rate, the movie was on mute most of the time as I was deliberating between texts with “Someone” and then X texting me and accusing me of ignoring him. Ugh. So, in the movie, after the food fight, Max is running away from the principal and runs into the Janitors room. He apologizes for starting the food fight and the janitor replies with the following:
“Any kid can make a mess, but it takes a man to clean it up.”
Wow. I mean, wow. Am I the only one who was moved by this? It takes a man to clean it up.. SO TRUE. At that moment, I had an epiphany: men are able to realize their mistakes, be accountable for their actions and then proceed to do the right thing. Kids or boys can only get themselves into messes.
How this applies to my situation: “Someone” is younger than I am and clearly gets himself into messes, inadvertently. He likes 5 girls but is only talking to two of them. But based on recent events, he may like 6 girls.
Whatever. I found it highly amusing that Max Keeble applies to real life and I realized that “Someone” is not as mature as I first thought.
More detail to follow when we “hang out”, possibly, tonight.
_____
We “hung out” tonight. This meaning that he comes over, we kiss, snuggle and watch Spider-Man 3, dish about Friday, etc. But, he still did not mention “Sister” and their conversation. When I inquired about his ex, he said that he talked to her last night and when I asked why I was the ONLY one who did not receive a phone call he responds with “I forgot.” I absolutely LOATHE variable answers. What the fuck do you MEAN you forgot? Seriously? I tried to confront the issue last night but it failed and I am honestly debating whether or not its worth mentioning with only a few weeks left. There are far more important things to occupy my mind (such as my blog for the kiddies, summer job, etc) but it would be a lie if I said I am dreading Monday if for no other reason than I will see THEM. I feel like it will be horrible.
Choice A: ride it out and endure the situation for three weeks. Privileges include: being of significance.
Choice B: Confront it and let everything fizzle while allowing other girls to possibly take my place. NEVER THAT.
I’m leaning towards choice A although with some reservations. It will keep me more sane.
What “Someone” will learn: He is a kid. When he becomes a man, he will learn to clean up and prevent messes from happening.
04.30.09
Degrassi
I am convinced that my life has degenerated into a bad episode of Degrassi. I am involved with “Someone” and “Sister” has a crush on him; however, is everyone is unaware of our relationship which, as of now, is a little strange. He no longer leaves cute status messages (or any status message at all, for that matter), yet continues to ‘flirt’. News: had a discussion about his ex the other day which he conveys that he still has some feelings for. Seriously? What is that? To top it all off, “Sister” is fed up with the friendly flirting he is seems to be showing her and has decided to confront him about the matter. COULD IT GET ANY WORSE. “What if..” it seems to be the guiding question in my life.. “What if” he says he likes her? What if he doesn’t? What if it changes how he and I interact? What if they begin to have regular phone conversations like we do? UGH. Now I have to ask myself: why did I even get involved? Answer: because it felt right.
But feelings can be wrong.
In addition (just to keep piling on the shit) my ex calls me out of the blue!!! And now we are talking as if nothing ever happened! As a matter of fact, he is on speaker typing something while I am writing this entry. klasjdlaksjdlakjskalsjdlaksjdalkjdajlksdfjlskjg
Someone shoot me now and send a real man my way.
06.24.08
Dueling hearts
“I’d keep you anyway,.. and make myself love you, because me not liking you isn’t an option now anyway…. its already happened”
When I decided to create a blog I began as I have so many things: without a plan. I had no objective for it, not one iota of an idea of what it would be about. First, I was opposed to having a blog to talk about myself because then it would become a journal and I already have a LiveJournal that I don’t even use so then it would be another useless account in cyberspace. Alas, I still cannot reconcile this personal dilemma. So I’m going to stop trying, and write.
I did not want to begin with this topic, but as fate would have it, a few recent events have unfolded.
He [Boy A] asked me why “a self-proclaimed debutante is single? girls like you are NEVER single..” So, I had to explain myself, or at least attempt to… and explaining oneself is perhaps the most singularly difficult, if not impossible, task. How was I to sum up who I am in an IM box? How would I articulate it over the phone? What words could I meticulously select that would elucidate who I am? I could think of none. Well, that’s not entirely true. I thought of quite a few, of course: assertive, pragmatic, but sweet… self-centered, stubborn, but funny! Materialistic, beautiful, but compassionate! All of these “buts”, I felt that I was using the conjunction to mitigate the bad by incorporating more of the good. Alas, I was making no progress so I finally settled on saying that I was “special” and was looking for someone “special” to be with. Gah. It was awful. No literary devices could save me!
Perhaps I’m not alone then, in suffering from this self imposed dichotomy. Man versus Self, the classic case. But this post is not entirely about who I am– or is it? Maybe it is, actually. Well, the entire blog is about who I am.. But I digress. I think I am in love. I’m not really sure. Honestly, I think I’m in love with the idea of one particular person. He is a musician. A very wealthy one. He’s Scottish, a brooding intellectual, maybe even self-destructive at time. He’s nice. He’s very tall. He’s handsome and we connect. He said things today that I never want to forget but am wary to post in my blog because in troth, these things are never really private.
In brief, we’ve chatted before via AIM, then he was going to visit for New Years– he told me he loved me. He and his band never came. I sort of drifted and it felt like he did as well. Recently, I traveled to Ireland and I sent him an email recounting my travels there, and how beautiful it all was, etc. Today, he finally IMs me and we chat for hours.. he said he loved me. He said he wanted to kidnap me and get married. I asked him what if he kidnapped me and then did not like me and he said that it was too late. He already did. And that if he did not, he would make himself love me.
I think it is wholly possible and the scary part is I think I do like him. I remember being angry with myself on New Years for liking him so much, or at least what I measure as “so much.” So, I do have feelings for him and I think I am in love with the idea of him. He’s like.. my fantasy. Almost everything I want in a man: five cups of alpha-male, six cups of bad-boy; a carton of tragic genius; five tablespoons of 6′7″ sugar; a teaspoon of asshole; bake on broil for an hour for one delicious international confection. It all feels so real, though, like it’s within grasp.. I think of him and I see flashing lights.
Conversely, there’s another man. Yesterday, I would have said that I love him. And I do have love for him and I could love him, be happy with him forever. But he’s never sent a photo, and we talk every night via IM, I’ve sent him postcards, we talk about everything and all things but he’s far from loaded and did not graduate from a tier 1 institution. And I’m not casting judgment, really, because I love him.. but he’s never been so vocal. It’s only divulged in cute little words like “Luff yooouuu” that are meaningful but are not fulfilling, you know? What is peculiar though is that I feel like I’m demeaning this affection for something uncertain. Stephen Jeffrey said it best in his play The Libertine when Elizabeth Berry told John that “I will not swap my certain glory for your undependable love.” That is how I feel about the musician although he claims otherwise.
What is a dueling heart to do? I revert to myself. I press forward, continue to live and allow life to unfold organically until one day, my heart will no long duel and I will be content to love one man unconditionally, with all of me. And trust, there is a lot 
