I can be patient, but I cannot guarantee that my feelings won’t change in the interim.
I have returned from my vacation to Houston where I visited my mother, aunt and my two munchkins! I had a wonderful time– well, to be honest, it was bumpy at first seeing how everything was sheer chaos with my aunt’s mega concert looming just days away. In the end, it was wonderful and I got my coveted Nook Color (eReader tablet!) which is AMAZING. As you may recall, just weeks before that my Husband and I had a sort of Come-to-jesus session with the counselor (and each other) and decided to work things through. He is REALLY trying. My Husband picked me up from the airport, made dinner reservations (which he never does!) and opened up about a few new milestones (job interviews, updating his resume, etc.) all of which pointed to GOOD NEWS.
The following day we had our next counseling session which went well. Husband asked for a recommendation for a psychiatrist to be assessed for ADD, which the counselor had recommended before. It was a HUGE step, very emotional for Husband but I told him I was there for him, as both of our families are as well. He has two appointments for Monday, which is fantastic, but it still leaves me mulling over several things:
1. Husband’s mother and I chatted today and she expressed her concern about our separation, that it may be damaging. I agree. I find myself wondering if I really do want to move back in with him. I enjoy my space, my time and being without the distractions I would otherwise have to confront living with Husband.
2. My feelings. Am I still in love? We talked tonight for a bit, but I did not feel engaged in the conversation. Maybe I am over thinking it, but after the conversation with Husband’s mother, it left me wondering if I really DO want this. There are still many issues which persist in our relationship, so moving back in before the holidays is highly unlikely. Even then, I wonder if I will be ready. Husband’s mother is concerned about our loneliness (his, I’m sure, as I am not feeling lonely)– but I do not feel the same.
3. The Future. I’m a planner. I plan. When I look into the future, I do not know what I see with Husband. He’s trying to get a job as a pet store manager. Now, I am not trying to be judgemental, but where is the growth potential in that? Not only is that his potential job (working at a pet store/camp), but he will take the semester off to focus on his mental wellness (ADD w/ a coach) and will (hopefully) return to school in the spring to do..what? I understand that getting something like ADD under control is a huge step in the right direction, but what if HE has no direction? He has no idea what he wants to do? Sure, something with math..or..computers.. but that is just.. far too general. UGH. I find myself getting increasingly annoyed just typing this!! This is NOT what I want in my Husband, a 31-year-old man. I can be patient, but I cannot guarantee that my feelings won’t change in the interim.
4.Preparedness. Am I ready for marriage? Was I? When I search myself, the resounding answer is YES. But am I ready to be married to my Husband? As of now, he is not what I want. Caring, yes. Good person, yes. Handsome, yes. Smart? Very. Focused? No. Ambitious? No. Established in a career? No. Have an IDEA about a career? No. I still feel that we are at two completely different places in our lives. I begin law school this week (essentially, orientation) and he is struggling to complete his degree. In four years, he will barely be where I am. Is that someone I want to have children with? No. I need someone who is at least beginning to establish himself in a career. Because lets face it, as a woman and a wife, a career means security. If I am going to build a family with someone, that security is essential. The drive to succeed is essential. The desire to provide for one’s family is critical. I am afraid Husband does not possess these traits.
5. Fear. I am afraid that the answers to these questions point me in only one direction –> divorce. I feel like I am or I have fallen out of love and have no desire to live with my Husband. I am afraid that I could either make the greatest decision or worst mistake of my life. I fear that I love him, I care for him.. but I am not in love with him. I feel no spark, I feel as though I am simply going through the motions. Sometimes I genuinely feel attached, concerned… but now? I just feel vacant when I think of him.
These thoughts are depressing.. but it certainly is a tremendous relief to vomit it all onto this page!
One day at a time. One day, at a time.
U G H
