For the past month since I moved out of my husband’s condo, I have been over it, disgusted, angry, frustrated and I have demonstrated “strength” to my friends and family who have been objective and supportive. I have been ready for a divorce, to let go and move on. Today was going to be my last counseling session.
Today, I experienced a 98 degree shift. And it has been devastating.
At 11am we met at the counselor’s office who gave us feedback based on what he has observed, etc, and it was essentially this: “the two of you exist in two very, very different realities and have very different expectations of a spouse and the way you choose to live your lives.” That was not news to me, however. In fact, nothing that we discussed was new. The discussions between my husband and I became heated at times, then simmered, then heated, simmered.. and we kept oscillating between those extremes. Eventually, the conversation reached the point I had been waiting for for weeks: “Husband, you were right. Maybe we are not meant to be together.” As the insidious implication of divorce lingered in the air and the conversation was productively guided, the counselor asked my husband “Husband, is this [a divorce] what you want?”
What did he say? After a month of minimal contact and effort?
“No.”
Now, this was not devastating for me. In fact, it felt honest and, I cannot deny it, hopeful. The reality nonetheless settled in for my husband as well and we agreed to have another session in two weeks once we have proceeded with the divorce. It was what happened outside of the office that began to alter my course.
We hugged, he broke down.. and I broke down. I think one of the most painful things I have ever experienced was watching my husband try, vainly, to choke back the tears.
In brief, we spent 3 hours talking over a sparse lunch (neither of us had much of an appetite). He expressed that this is not what he wanted [a divorce], that he missed me.. well, there’s no need to go into all of it. We covered quite a bit of ground and it was a very emotional experience. One that nearly drew me alter my course 180 degrees.
So, what’s a girl to do? I was reminded that, despite my icy heart, the thick carapace which conceals it, I still love him. The thought of not being with my husband, now, saddens me. What happened to all of me “I’m not sad!!!” attitude? And “He isn’t working hard enough for me!” or, “He’s not showing effort! I’m OVER it!”? Where is that? I am looking but I can only find scattered remains. Now, more than ever, I am torn, conflicted and confused. My husband needs help which I cannot give him. He is going to get that help. He has started to make an effort.. but what is best? Do we divorce, remain friends and see what happens? Or do we remain married? The painful reality, to me, is that remaining married is not realistic. Not according to the counselor and not according to me.. but now? The thought of not being with him breaks my heart.. and to see him so sad makes it crumble.
Raw emotions, I can appreciate them.
Honest questions, a good starting point.
One of the greatest pleasures of growing older is that life becomes less black and white. The answers to all life’s earth-shattering questions do not come overnight and the answers are rarely straight forward and easy to live by. And that’s the beauty of it.
Why do you HAVE to divorce? SO, you are different. So? I promise you, who you are today is not who you will be 20 years from now (hopefully). If there are serious character issues that need to be addressed, why not in a structured separation give the other one room to work on things, separately but together? Does this make sense? Life is a process, life is a journey. So is marriage–or any relationship. Yes?
I have just recently began my journey with you… all I can say is that being married, or in a relationship is work. The sad thing is most men don’t realize it… and they don’t work… you don’t have to reason everything… that happens on its own. Go with your heart, if you stay married and it doesn’t work then you know. But if you leave now then you may never know.
Only you know deep inside what is right… and I think you have that figured out already… don’t care what people think, what they say, or how they look at you. You are your only judge. When you come upon a mirror it is only you who sees you. Remember to always go with your heart
First, thank you for even endeavoring to take this journey with me! It’s nice to know that there is someone else out there reading along. And you’re right– I can only do what feels right and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I am not going to solve these problems tonight or arrive at any other conclusion save this: one day at a time. For the first time, I truly understand what it means to, quite literally, take it “one day at a time.”
-H
P.S. When I reply to your comment in these comment boxes– can you tell that I respond, or only if I reply on your blog? –confused!
Yes my friend… I can tell. Hope all is good in your world