You know, “Simple economics”? Well, I’ve decided to withdraw some of my investments. Yep. Taking money out of the fund. Not to invest elsewhere and not to invest in myself (because I find that obnoxiously cliche), but to just hold and wait until I find the right fund for me. Something that suits my investor profile. Nothing too aggressive, something with a guaranteed return and tangible perks. Yep. This is me hedging myself. Hedging my heart.

“If you want me to fall for you, give me something worth tripping over..”

…and I really, really want to fall.

So basically, I haven’t spoken to X in what feels like ages. He calls sometimes during the week, but I can never talk for long. He isn’t online anymore and he doesn’t even bother to send me messages or emails. So, whatever. I’m sick of voicemails that say I am missed and that “I adore you.” It’s great and all, but I’m over it. Every day I see these couples walking, holding hands, kissing and it disgusts me. Honestly, I think disgust a defense mechanmism, because if I were not disgusted, I would probably be very sad and depressed. Instead, I just think to myself, “Hah. Look at those stupid idiots, so in love. It’s gross. It disgusts me. Love does not exist.” But at least I recogognize my issue, right?! You know, I imagine anyone who reads my rants must think I am like, completely psychotic and an Ice Queen. But in troth, I am anything but!

On the bus on the way to my Air France flight from Paris, there was this couple who essentially made out the ENTIRE ride to the plane. I turned my back to them. I mean WHO DOES THAT!??! Ugh.

Anyway. I haven’t spoken to X in two days, he finally signs onto AOL and we have a brief conversation. He says he misses me, asks how Venice was, etc, I tell him it was fun, went out, blah blah. He asks if I got laid– and I say, obviously not– but its sweet of him to be concerned– then he goes on about how I’m a beautiful girl and he hasn’t been able to talk to me and blah blah. He says “I want to be with you”. Blah blah. You know, it’s great that he seems concerned and wants to be with me but I just roll my shoulders. I don’t care anymore. What-theFUCK-ever. I want something real. I want something here. He can’t be here. He can’t hold me, he can’t kiss me, he can’t hug me, touch me, love me, laugh with me, cry with me, support me– nothing. Nada. He can’t do any of those things for me. All X can do is make me angry and jealous of other real couples. All he can do is NOT be there. And frankly, that’s not enough.

If you cannot appreciate me.

If you cannot be in touch with me.

You cannot be with me.

Period.