Tags
alone, christmas, family, frustration, holidays, life, marriage, sadness, weight loss, wii
Things have gone well. Semester 1 of law school is over. I started Jenny Craig and have lost 20 pounds in 5 weeks. Things are looking up, despite my recent holiday mini-binges. UGH! Back on track when I get home. But food, my weight and law school is only half the battle. The rest is a familiar holiday woeful tale.
Since my divorce was finalized, I have been at my happiest. After so many years of griping about being single and miserable, I eventually found someone who turned out to be a different person once we pledged to love one another in holy matrimony. Since then, I have never felt better being single. Seriously. Not even the annoying Zales or Kay commercials got to me like they did two years ago, as my best friend can attest since we shared these maudlin sentiments over our then lack of companionship.
All of that changed within an hour.
Talking to one of my friends who married his longtime girlfriend with whom he grew up together (nauseatingly sweet) and who is a great guy himself, made me instantly discard all of my single-power! feelings. Why? Because if I could find someone like that, a love like the kind they share? Maybe I wouldn’t mind spending my life with someone. It all started when he was ranting about his brother-in-law being an alcoholic, then talking about his Nook –which I introduced him to– and how he hasn’t been able to use it for two days because his wife was using it. And he’s going to get her one for Christmas. While I was happy for him, I couldn’t repress the tremendous sadness that descended upon me at that moment. Why can’t I find a husband who is that thoughtful? Or who brags about me to his friends? Who is laid back but still driven? Who takes care of himself? Who isn’t addicted to video games.. It made me reflect on my time with my ex and what a DISASTER that was. After we got married, he wanted to do NONE of the things I did, none of the things we actually DID do together before he proposed! My ex husband wouldn’t have thought about getting me an e-reader because he was too busy draining the trust fund to feed his gaming and drug habits.
I feel utterly shafted. Now, I’m 3 years out from turning 30 and I have never felt more alone. For a long time I thought all of my accomplishments would be there to keep me company, but that ivy league diploma and future law degree do little to assuage the innate human need for companionship. No matter how hard I try. Maybe it’s time I stop denying, after all.
